At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
