based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
