A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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