I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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