Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
