I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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