you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
