Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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