I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
