I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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