Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
