You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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