You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
