Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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