Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
