happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
