In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
