Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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