did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
