I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
