My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
