What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
