he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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