fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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