Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
