remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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