This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
