im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
