allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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