just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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