I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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