dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
