Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
