im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
