can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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