forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
