he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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