Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
