ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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