oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
