dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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