Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
her vagine was all disorganized.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
