There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
