My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
