That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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