hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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