So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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