I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
