I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
