When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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