I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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